Legal Disclaimer Regarding the Advisory Practices of Anus Queer
Filed and authorized by Hammond Vespit, Representative of the Voidspire Consortium’s Legal Department
While I understand Anus Queer’s resistance to the presence of this clause—his sincere belief that the counsel he provides is meaningful, possibly even life-altering—I must, in my professional capacity, override that objection.
The following legal disclaimer is both necessary and final. It absolves Anus Queer of any and all liability related to the consumption, interpretation, or implementation of advice dispensed on this platform.
Anus Queer is not a licensed therapist.
He has never completed certified training in mental health counseling, nor pursued an academic degree in psychology. His only formal education occurred in the shared living room of a deeply devout Amish household, where life lessons were occasionally scrawled on the backs of soup can labels and emotional regulation was taught through extended silence.
He is not a medical doctor.
He cannot legally offer diagnostic clarity or treatment suggestions. His most ambitious attempt at healing involved murmuring into a bowl of vinegar and asking it politely to leave the body. It did not work.
He is not a licensed attorney.
He does not know what a deposition is, though he suspects it may be a form of mold. He once represented a wheelbarrow in a property dispute. The outcome was unclear. The wheelbarrow disappeared.
He is not a seamstress.
Despite frequent commentary on the fabric of reality, he has no practical sewing ability. He once attempted to mend a tear in a friend’s pants using honey, pressure, and a memory of thread. The pants later combusted spontaneously in a parking lot.
He is not an astrophysicist.
His knowledge of space is based entirely on stargazing through a cracked glass jar and insisting that “Mercury is misbehaving.” He believes satellites are “just electric birds.”
He is not a certified dream interpreter.
He has strong opinions on dreams, but these are based on personal intuition and, occasionally, the shape of toast. He once interpreted a recurring nightmare as a divine sign to stop wearing socks entirely.
He is not a paleontologist.
Though he has held many bones, none were verified. Some were rocks. One was a carrot that had simply seen things.
He is not a metaphysicist.
His understanding of the non-physical is rooted in a singular experience involving a horse, a mirror, and a very quiet afternoon. Nothing further can be said.
He is not a Scientologist.
He once attempted to infiltrate a reading group to see if they had snacks. They did. He was politely removed when he began speaking in tongues made entirely of midwestern town names.
He is not a structural engineer.
His understanding of buildings is largely emotional. He describes foundations as “nervous,” and once attempted to shore up a collapsing porch with affirmation and a jar of beeswax.
He is not a cartographer.
He cannot read maps, refuses to fold them, and has been known to orient himself by the angle of antennae found twitching in roadside debris. When lost, he listens for humming.
He is not a nutritionist.
While he does possess opinions on food, most are informed by dreams and the behavior of root vegetables. He once advised someone to eat an onion that had sprouted chutes and gone rotten until it was found in the recessive corner of a pantry because it was “metal as fuck” to eat only things that “thrived in the dark.”
He is not a licensed electrician.
He refers to wiring as “veins of light,” and becomes deeply still in the presence of humming fixtures. He has never fixed a fuse box, but once stared one into silence.
He is not an etiquette coach.
He once declared a dinner knife “too emotionally direct,” spent forty minutes politely refusing a chair, and believes the highest form of grace is knowing when to leave the room entirely.
Basically, he is not qualified to give professional advice of any kind.
And yet, he continues.
This site—anusguru.com—exists for expressive, absurdist, and entertainment purposes only. Any reliance on Anus Queer’s advice is done at your own risk. No guarantee is offered. No warranty is implied. Should you suffer discomfort, misfortune, spiritual destabilization, or romantic disorientation as a result of following any advice presented here, you do so willfully and without recourse.
Anus Queer cannot be held responsible for the consequences of your decisions.
He is here to speak. Not to save you.
You arrived of your own will.
You read what was written.
What you do now is entirely on you.
Signed and sealed in good standing by
k
Hammond Vespit
Legal Department,
Voidspire Consortium